A go-to approach for hard choices

Today I’m sharing what I’ve learned guiding clients in big-decision moments. 

Here I’m talking about the kind of moment when you are faced with two wonderful, but very different opportunities or paths in front of you. 

Pro tip: These moments arise from becoming a stand-out ambassador, able to share and sell your work. Yet, they can churn you up if you’re not prepared for the test they present.

So in the name of preparation, I’ve learned:
1.You need a process you can trust—so the mind quiets enough for you to hear your own thinking.

2.The process needs to be light enough—able to support you without an extra ounce to weigh you down.

To that end, I’m sharing with you my simple toolkit, with 3 items. The only pre-amble is one agreement about mindset.

Mindset:
You have to acknowledge that there’s not one golden envelope labeled “charmed life” (containing the “right” answer if you could only guess it). Nor is there a corresponding "damned life” envelope (with the name of the “wrong” decision inside). Instead there are two real, viable options. That’s why the tension or contrast that you feel is right on—you are likely choosing between two things that lead you in diverging directions.

The Toolkit:
1.Best hopes/worst fears (4 square).
I see this as a fundamentally, unapologetically different approach than a pro-con list, because you arrive at a very different place. So if pro-con has ever left you unclear, this is for you.

Take a piece of paper (or screen). Draw one line down the center, and one across to make 4 quadrants. Across the top, write your 2 choices—one over each box. Down the side, write “best hopes” and “worst fears.” 

Now quiet yourself, and fill in the 4 boxes, beginning with “best hopes” for choice 1. [You can work alone—or find a trusted, agenda-free, friend to be your scribe.]

The most important item here: listen inward, don’t censor. When you pause to think, ask yourself (or have your scribe ask you), “And what else?” And then wait patiently, for a reply. Record it.

After you’ve completed “best hopes” for choice 1, move to “worst fears” choice 1. Then do the same, for choice 2, to complete your 4-square.
At this point, take a rest if you’d like. You’ll know if you need to.

Once you’re back, do this:
Before you read over the contents of your paper, scan to see which quadrant has the most “ink.” This can be a helpful clue, as to which choice has the most energy around it.

Noticing this is a helpful step in bringing this decision (and what you’re sensing/feeling) to the level of language, so it’s just not "aaaaaaargh…”

Then read over what’s recorded on the page.

2.What is the single biggest challenge for you here in making this decision?
This is a deceptively simple question that can lead to big breakthroughs.* I’ve seen it happen time and again—when the answer bubbles up, the air clears because often for the first time, you’ve managed to frame what the decision is really about. Just this month, one client said, “choice 1 is the one I’m more excited about, but it’s also the more difficult one, and I have to decide if it’s worth the extra difficulty.” 

Verbalizing that allowed the client to see that she was facing a tension between WHAT and HOW. Recognizing this was critical, because it also allowed the client the chance to line up behind a decision. Do you see yourself as (or want to become) the kind of person who goes after your long-desired WHAT, even if the HOW may demand more of you to pull it off?

The key: the reason now came from inside, not some external pro-con list. 

3.Don’t Let the Body Die
You can’t make this decision with your head alone. What physical activity for you is most like a moving meditation—that centers and resets you? Do that. A lot.

Swimming, walking, yoga are three good go-to ones.
Also sleep is key. For you to trust the process—and the decision—you have to know you made it well-rested.

I find with this process the decision arrives. And that means you don’t wait until everything feels perfectly settled, and tied up in a bow—as a sign it's time to decide. (It almost never happens that way.) Rather, you’re far more likely get to a place where you know enough that you’re willing to take the leap of faith.

Pro tip: plan your decision-making process so you’re able to decide, and then sleep on it--so you can enjoy for yourself the peaceful feeling of a decision well-made before you share the news with the world.

Onward!

Additional Resources:
Love the framework in this Tedx talk by the philosopher Ruth Chang, all of it, but especially the last 6 minutes. I’ve started sharing it with clients, as a companion to this practical toolkit. 

*Like this? I've adapted the challenge question from Michael Bungay Stainer. MBS refers to the “And what else?” question as the AWE question.